Warm wind on a summer night
Freedom after taking the last exam before summer break
Falling so undeniably in love with the characters in a fantasy novel
Being kissed
Category: Uncategorized
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A Rainbow
So I drove through the end of a rainbow today. It was either the end or the beginning; it didn’t matter in the moment just something I wonder about now as I look to assign meaning to the event.
Maybe it means he’s coming back for me when he’s ready and to hold onto hope. Maybe it means nothing. On a grey day, I drove through a rainbow, or maybe it drove through me.
It is an unequivocal truth that when one sees a rainbow, it’s impossible not to smile. I did. I saw a rainbow and even the grey clouds in my mind parted way enough for me to be light, even if only for a moment.
It was ephemeral but it was real.
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Why, Love?
Why does love always strike me
when and where I’m least expecting it?
Why does it always end
with me feeling lighter after it leaves?
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Dream Love
In my dreams, you come to me.
You read my poetry;
Say you love me;
Are enamored by my beauty.
But if I’m happy…
What will feed my poetry?
I think I love the idea
of love, more than it’s meant for me.
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Letting Go
He told me about the year-end bonus he was receiving and I smiled and told him I knew he’d do great. Then I admitted, “I had a bad day… I’ll tell you about it, just don’t look at me” and buried my face in his chest when I told him about how I was struggling.
Whenever I asked him to hold me, he did. He was so solid, so warm. I remember the way he used to look at me. Somehow, he was living a double life too. I don’t know which version of him was real. At the time, I was sure the version of myself I was giving him was real but now I’m not sure it was.
I think he was the last one to hold me like that. It took me a while to recover from all the ways he broke me. Certainly, I’m not the same starry eyed girl but I found a way back to a version of myself that’s real.
There was this other guy. I wanted him to hold me but I was too afraid so I let go before he had the chance to. Because in the end, they all let go anyways, don’t they?
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Was it Just Limerence?
If you had asked me years ago, I would have said I’ve always been a lover girl. I didn’t know what limerence was back then. I romanticized star-crossed lovers, accidentally manifesting that fate for myself.
I held on longer than I should have and called it romantic. What a trap it is to beg for comfort from the one causing your suffering. What a curse it is to crave affection so much that you’d add permanent scars to your soul in the search of it.
The “love” was ephemeral but the damage in the aftermath was here to stay.
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223 inactive tabs/digital ghost
I had finally gone through and closed the extra tabs in my chrome mobile browser. They went from 40+ down to 1. Then, I noticed that my phone had actually separated out 223 inactive and/or duplicate tabs I had open into another grouping.
Looking back through them, jolts of old feelings ran through my body… they were from up to 2 year ago. Some were slutty vacation dresses from a time where I thought I’d be going to a destination vacation in the Caribbean.
Another was a google search “avonex and cancer risk” from when my world was crumbling because the general neurologist made a referral to the MS neurology clinic without telling me first. Thankfully, it turns out I don’t have MS. I’m one of the lucky few that has a very stable RIS diagnosis… meaning I am at higher risk than the general population for developing MS one day but it would be caught so early that, with prompt treatment, it would have virtually no impact on my life. A weird headspace to be in when you’re a young brown woman in her late 20s, nonetheless.
Another was the LinkedIn of a guy that had the same name as someone I went on one date with, we had clicked and stayed out til 2am walking the cold streets of the city we ended up in by circumstance. I went home after he tried to kiss me, and then for a month he breadcrumbed me after I told him I wasn’t looking for a hookup. Yes, it took me a month to stop replying to his maybes…
Who the hell was I back then? I got to relive some of those versions of myself through a digital ghost.
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Untitled Poem
What is it about watching the night sky
turn to dawn during my morning commute
that makes my heart feel lighter?
What is it about the possibility
of new romantic love that pulls me
from the dark void I let consume my being?
What is it about the first bloom of
Spring wildflowers that brings a spark
to my otherwise grey existence?
I learned to find god in the small places,
relegated him as a fairweather friend,
for he was never there in the big ways
when I called out to him in the darkness.
You can’t trust everyone with your life
no matter how much you want to believe
in them. And I was done loving with
my eyes closed and my heart open.
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Actually, a guy has written a poem for me before
Years ago, like a different life ago. It was dumb and quick on his notes app while we were on the subway. His dream job was to be a pilot and mine was to be a poet, we discussed. He wasn’t a good person, by the way.
I joked about how I listened to videos about plane crashes and was always astounded when the pilots actually tried to make it out alive… “like what are they thinking? Both engines are on fire and you’re out of fuel and right above the mountains? You’re not gonna make it so why bother trying!” and I continued with “If I was a pilot in that situation I would just give up.,, but it would be different if it was a cargo plane, then I’d actually try because I don’t wanna die alone”
He laughed and teased me about it and I said “well you’re a better person than me.”
He really wasn’t a better person than me. In fact, I don’t think he’s a good person at all.
But he wrote a haiku for me on his phone, maybe it was for both of us. I told him the basic syllable structure when he asked.
At first I thought I
would be a pilot, but now
I write poetry.
It went something like that. We were both amused.