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So I drove through the end of a rainbow today. It was either the end or the beginning; it didn’t matter in the moment just something I wonder about now as I look to assign meaning to the event.

Maybe it means he’s coming back for me when he’s ready and to hold onto hope. Maybe it means nothing. On a grey day, I drove through a rainbow, or maybe it drove through me.

It is an unequivocal truth that when one sees a rainbow, it’s impossible not to smile. I did. I saw a rainbow and even the grey clouds in my mind parted way enough for me to be light, even if only for a moment.

It was ephemeral but it was real.

Why does love always strike me

when and where I’m least expecting it?

Why does it always end

with me feeling lighter after it leaves?

He told me about the year-end bonus he was receiving and I smiled and told him I knew he’d do great. Then I admitted, “I had a bad day… I’ll tell you about it, just don’t look at me” and buried my face in his chest when I told him about how I was struggling.

Whenever I asked him to hold me, he did. He was so solid, so warm. I remember the way he used to look at me. Somehow, he was living a double life too. I don’t know which version of him was real. At the time, I was sure the version of myself I was giving him was real but now I’m not sure it was.

I think he was the last one to hold me like that. It took me a while to recover from all the ways he broke me. Certainly, I’m not the same starry eyed girl but I found a way back to a version of myself that’s real.

There was this other guy. I wanted him to hold me but I was too afraid so I let go before he had the chance to. Because in the end, they all let go anyways, don’t they?

I had finally gone through and closed the extra tabs in my chrome mobile browser. They went from 40+ down to 1. Then, I noticed that my phone had actually separated out 223 inactive and/or duplicate tabs I had open into another grouping.

Looking back through them, jolts of old feelings ran through my body… they were from up to 2 year ago. Some were slutty vacation dresses from a time where I thought I’d be going to a destination vacation in the Caribbean.

Another was a google search “avonex and cancer risk” from when my world was crumbling because the general neurologist made a referral to the MS neurology clinic without telling me first. Thankfully, it turns out I don’t have MS. I’m one of the lucky few that has a very stable RIS diagnosis… meaning I am at higher risk than the general population for developing MS one day but it would be caught so early that, with prompt treatment, it would have virtually no impact on my life. A weird headspace to be in when you’re a young brown woman in her late 20s, nonetheless.

Another was the LinkedIn of a guy that had the same name as someone I went on one date with, we had clicked and stayed out til 2am walking the cold streets of the city we ended up in by circumstance. I went home after he tried to kiss me, and then for a month he breadcrumbed me after I told him I wasn’t looking for a hookup. Yes, it took me a month to stop replying to his maybes…

Who the hell was I back then? I got to relive some of those versions of myself through a digital ghost.

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Years ago, like a different life ago. It was dumb and quick on his notes app while we were on the subway. His dream job was to be a pilot and mine was to be a poet, we discussed. He wasn’t a good person, by the way.

I joked about how I listened to videos about plane crashes and was always astounded when the pilots actually tried to make it out alive… “like what are they thinking? Both engines are on fire and you’re out of fuel and right above the mountains? You’re not gonna make it so why bother trying!” and I continued with “If I was a pilot in that situation I would just give up.,, but it would be different if it was a cargo plane, then I’d actually try because I don’t wanna die alone”

He laughed and teased me about it and I said “well you’re a better person than me.”

He really wasn’t a better person than me. In fact, I don’t think he’s a good person at all.

But he wrote a haiku for me on his phone, maybe it was for both of us. I told him the basic syllable structure when he asked.

At first I thought I

would be a pilot, but now

I write poetry.

It went something like that. We were both amused.

So, I do still really think I’m pretty, beautiful even. Especially on those days where my skin just glows right effortlessly and my hair just falls into place perfectly. There are days where I feel like a cretin though, don’t get me wrong. And days where I feel average.

While I was in the middle of my weight loss last year (so still feeling insecure in my body), I went to the grocery store to pick up some things my sister requested on a Saturday evening. It was pretty dead. I was choosing a chili sauce in the condiments section, and out of the corner of my eye, I see a guy in a vest walking towards me. At first, I assume it’s a store employee but I finally look at him and see he’s just a patron.

He’s holding a salad and a bottle of POM juice and says “excuse me, this might sound weird but” and I think he’s gonna ask my opinion on POM juice. I was ready to give my unfiltered thoughts on how gross I think POM tastes, by the way. But he continues on to say “I just wanted to say, you have a really unique style and I wanted to compliment you on it.” I really wasn’t expecting it so I just say “thank you” and look at him. He looks like he wants to say something else but just quickly replies “you’re welcome” and disappears. It only hits me in the tortilla aisle, that he probably was trying to get my number or ask me out… welcome to my 30s I guess? Where people hit on you at the grocery store of all places.

Anyways, it did brighten my day during a time when I was feeling a bit melancholy, I’m not sure why though. I do think my personal style is a lot nicer than most people’s around here. I was in my grey lounge maxi dress and grey cropped quarter zip and grey metallic sandals. So yeah, I did look pretty cute and put together in my pajamas.

Another incident that occurred months after that, that I found to be genuinely adorable wasn’t when a guy tried flirting with me but just the way he looked at me. I went in to my primary care clinic to get my first dose of the shingles vaccine and one of the receptionists was this guy I’d seen there before. I don’t think he recognized me from months ago but when he saw me when I walked up to the desk, he genuinely blushed and had a look in his eyes like he couldn’t believe how pretty I was. Something about how wholesome it was just melted me. And I think I’m definitely going to remember and hold that moment close to me as compared to that other compliment.

Dear future husband, I hope you look at me with that same unguarded look in your eyes.

P.S. I’m not delusional in where I think I’m the prettiest girl alive or anything like that.